A bed of roses & their thorns

five foot broadway

2008-06-17T01:37:00.000-07:00

Went to watch five-foot broadway musical this evening. It was a great performance! Thoroughly enjoyed myself.. I think I kinda know why the musical struck such a chord with everyone..because it's theme was mainly Love.

Oh you know how we are like, we need love, want love, desire desire... we truly secretly or sometimes blatantly hate being alone and all. So when it comes to the topic of love oh what a hot topic it is. I think I even saw a few un-dried eyes at the performance.

Love, I don't think it's over-rated but maybe not emphasized in too similar ways. So many different types of love yet only an emphasis on one kind... just a bit too much.

Ok it is easier said than done.. I know God's love is amazing and He loves me more than I can even fathom and truly I am thankful for how I can place my trust in Him even in situations unknown.

I trust. No matter how bad things get or how unknown the future is, no matter if I feel I lack I will still trust. Not trust because I have great faith but trusting in His faithfulness. I guess that is one way to comfort myself when I feel alone.

Sigh I dislike feeling busy... it's hard to balance your time for everything, everybody (especially God). Interning is tough 'cause I have to commute so far but yes it's far my future so I HAVE to do it. Next week I start assisting pop vocal classes. So funny, how do teach a bunch of secondary school kids stage presence? Seriously. Interesting, something I look forward to. Just stand there and look pretty lor.

I think I can blabber on and on talking and just having verbal diarrhoea but I shall stop now 'cause my fingers are tired. Toodles diary.

P.S I take photos but I don't post or send on time.. I'm terrible! I know=p

gone are the freedom days

2008-06-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

Oh boohoo. Gone are the freedom days forever gone I expect. Sigh it's only been the first 2 days of interning and I feel under-utilised. Like PLEAAAASEEE give me more work to do! Do I really have to sit there and surf the net the whole day...I could get a hemorrhage. Yups please don't envy me because it's not very fun having to amuse myself.

Plus I have to travel half way round S'pore just to go to work everyday...urgh from the west to the east like the sun only backwards. Sighh... butttttt I did pray about it and yes I felt like I should. So please please let it can better. Can't wait to get started on work proper I'm sure it will be fun, fulfilling and a good booster for one's CV.

Oh yes and the washing machine broke today. Urgh. Everything is crummy. I reached home at 9pm today... I missed sayang sayang. Haha and so what's wrong with that? I happen to think certain locally produced dramas are good ok. Oh well... looks like I won't exactly follow the series anymore since I missed the 2nd episode. Tan Kheng Hua rocks, i think good actors and actresses own the character they don't let the character own them.

So anyway...I don't feel all too positive right now 'cause I have to wake up at 730am just to reach my workplace at 10am. Like bummer. Ok shall not be such wet blanket... it will be good. It will be fine. Just work what...

This is terrible. All I wanna do is to just rot well relax and rot at home. But I'm not entirely unproductive you know. I bake, find recipes, do art, read, swim, attempt to play the piano again... and basically be married to the house.. so it's really quite fulfilling. I can possibly get this housewife thing down pat.

But omyged no no, I need to work eventually. Speaking of housewives reminds me of mothers.. and speaking of mothers reminds me of kids.. which leads me to a certain friend who has a sudden desire to be paternal. Yes I have been thinking too. Is it possible to get the kids without the spouse. I have always been open to the idea of adopting children in the future if let's say I never get married. It's not really such a bad idea! Like... gosh I really enjoy being the way I am that if I had to compromise for somebody I really need to love him big time. China girls. I have always wanted to adopt a baby girl from china! What with the female infanticide there and abandonment of baby girls, many baby girls are up for adoption.

I'm not too sure of the situation now since women are becoming more emancipated, but I think it's more of a tradition rather than economic issue that boys are preferred over girls. Beats me really... we are all people.

So there... I will be a good mother. Haha.. I hope. Truly exciting and rather strange to even think of kids at this point in time...but oh well at a certain age the maternal instincts somehow finds it's way back to haunt you.

Ok future adopted-babygirl-from-china, hope to see you soon! Remember to be wrapped in pink! But when you come to Singapore you can do whatever you like... even play football and I promise I won't force you to wear dresses=) But please at least enjoy listening to music.

back

2008-06-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm back again, blogging. It has been ages and I'm not quite sure what has driven me back to write on this long forgotten space. It doesn't really matter if anybody sees it and perhaps it's the fact that well... most likely nobody will that makes me feel like writing again.

This place brings back many memories, brings back many different yet familiar emotions... once experience then lost but never forgotten. What makes me smile, what makes me peeved. The disillusioned maturity... maybe I never grew at all?

But I'm sure I have grown somewhat.. I'm quite sure I have changed.. we are creatures most palpable to change are we not? I have grown stronger as a Christian, I have grown stronger as a woman. It feels strange to write like this.. so frank and candid.. that is so not me. But hey.. like I said the fact that nobody is going to read this drives me to be this open about my thoughts on a late Thursday night.

I can never have the thing that I think I want most. Does that make sense? Because in actual fact I don't really want it as much as I think I do. I always wonder then why does it still hurt so much when I know I don't want it and it is not meant for me?

So it is clear that some things just don't change. I will always be in this sticky rut...forever stuck.

Faces change but feelings are still the same... will I always be bound by such situations? I never chose to be confronted with them but I can choose it's outcome. So I choose, though it hurts I choose.

shelter

2007-11-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

This world is so tiring and people can be so ugly at times and worse of all they can be so proud of their stains. I know I shouldn't judge because I'm just as bad maybe even worse.

There are times when I just forget and get sucked in as well. Swirling around this never ending vortex and then what? SO absolutely meaningless that I can never understand how people who are logical and rational can see it as the pinnacle of life. Is this what you want to live for? How absolutely silly.

My paradox. Though at times I can stand as a spectator and watch all of it I am also part of it. My paradox. Always always, indeed it is true that "what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do" (Romans 7:15). So therein lies my life. I will pull through. It's a never ending journey this life. Can't imagine walking it alone.

Everyday I'm thankful that my God has made a promise to me that He will never leave me nor forsake me. It just gives me so much strength to keep fighting, to keep breathing and to keep hoping. That my life means something in His sight and I am living for a purpose and a glorious plan. That I will never be alone fighting my own battles and secret hells.

This is love. A love that is my shelter so that I can continue giving and walking on. I'm so grateful for this shelter because I get so tired at times living in my own shell. Thank you God.

I wish you love

2007-11-10T00:50:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time. Where have I been? Everywhere and back again. There really is so much to say, to explain what has been going on in my life that has caused much change within me, yet my core is still the same. A smite of cynicism, a dash of irony and a whole bagful of idealist fantasies.

I wish you love. But most of all when snowflakes fall I wish you love. I wonder why it is so similar, so uncannily similar when you do fall for somebody all over again. There is a certain sense of contrive to it, yet beauty.

Some sort of desolate feeling like piano keys echoing. That similar pining and yearning. A burst of emotion, lingering. Always lingering and you try to push it aside, mire yourself in work so you don't remember but you can't forget. When you get an inch you want a yard...and so it never ends, it's never enough. Not with love.

What is different with me? What is the same. This is. How I love. The choices I make I can never regret. Maybe I over think things, but it's ok. I like doing things this way even if it seems silly to others...

I wish you love (cover by Rachel Yamagata)

I wish you bluebirds in the spring

To give your heart a song to sing

And then a kiss, but more than this

I wish you love

And in July a lemonade

To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you health

But more than wealth

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never be

So with my best

My very best

I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm

A cozy fire to keep you warm

But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

I wish you love

I wish you love, love, love, love, love

I wish you love

Night's insights

2007-09-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

Behind the greasy windows, I see the sunset
staring with defiant eyes at it till it penetrates
and I cannot forget.
So even when I close my eyes I still see
the remainders of light on the insides of my
eyelids. The inside.

Greasy windows, I imagine some matted hair
on a heavy head, leaning.
Leaning against the invisible support, wishing.
Wishing for opacity.
Wishing I couldn't see right through.

Don't make assumptions. What you think you know
you think only.
I hate it because it's not always so easy
to read a person.

As each song paints another mood, so does
each dimmer moment of the day, till night.
In the night. In the night. In the night...
What is left to count or recollect?
The everything you have becomes nothingness.

The network in my heart is more
intrinsic than neurons.
Many memos in my head but
I just want to be like this
tonight.

Mrs This

2007-09-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

Mrs This, 这位太太!! The best taiwanese alternative indie band I have heard in ages. The music direction they take does in some sense deviate from the usual commercial boring mantra of the mandopop world... but still very catchy and palatable!!

I absolutely love their kinky kooky lyrics and very interesting blends of style they have:) It's a little like bjork/faye wong and yet not so in your face.

Haha...I am so in love with them...but unfortunately, none of the cd shops in Singapore carry them yet despite the heavy airplay they have on MTV so oh well... not even HMV:(

Anyway to share with blogger-bys(passer-bys...haha) my current music muse please take a listen to them!!!

This is terrible but we can download the whole cd on this website...but hope if you like them enough do support their music endeavours!!

http://www.ge520.com/musiclist/shishui_8552.htm

searching

2007-08-17T01:34:00.000-07:00

I have been really into watching documentaries lately. Sometimes late into the wee hours of the morning.

The one documentary that really resonated with me would be this one: The Great Happiness Space, Tale of an Osaka Love Thief. It's actually a documentary about the lives of Japanese Hosts in the ever-changing city social-scape of Japan.

I think the documentary really did well in capturing the loneliness of human beings. The crazy search for love, the buying of dreams. Money can buy love(?) Maybe, for as long as you want to dream.

Truly fascinating, makes me see people holding such career positions in a different light. Possibly a more humane one.

Do take time to watch it if you can!

Link: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6186147595582048109

something different

2007-06-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have always been on this topic, always been amazed at this: change. How people can just keep changing, permutating and never stop, never cease to really stay and hit that plateau. This past few weeks I have changed and changed not by my own might or strength but truly by Jesus Christ. Truly I thank Him for working in my life during youth chalet and stirred up something different in me.

My fears, my lies, my pride seems to have died and in me a new strength and joy I find that is really not my own. Even now as I write I pray that these words are not my own. A blog is just like a human being, different entries with different thematic emoticons, yet each entry has it's secrets and it's hypocripsy. But now I just want to write sincerely.

What is life without a saviour? He has revealed so much to me that I don't think I want to go back living my life as I did in the past. In the past when I revelled in myself all the time. Getting drunk on my silly emotions, wasting time in my own desires, dreams and pride. But I know that He was patient telling me to not throw away all that I already have received, so I clung on but only by a thread.

Now I'm glad that I have forsaken this choice of living a selfish Christian life. To always just feel contented in my own salvation and live like the world, chasing and chasing and always knowing that I can never be fully asuaged. How blinded I was. Blinded by people who constantly judge when their words that were just empty praise. Sometimes I just want to steer clear of them but I know that that would be too selfish.

God has truly given me many windows of opportunities to share His good news at work and I truly thank Him for allowing me room to improve. The first time I tried my best but of course in my heart I felt I failed. In some sense I was disappointed with God for not giving me the ans immediately when I was challenged, my collegue's idea of religion stumped me and I could not counter. Yet now that I have it maybe I can share it.

(In my office there is a huge alter and ironically that was where our little conversation began, after he prayed.)
Collegue: Oh you are a Christian?

Swee: Yes. (Heart leaps 'cause she knows where this will lead to)

Collegue: Oh I see, I don't judge any religion as right or wrong because I believe that all religions will lead to that one God.

Swee: Really? Ok... (testing the waters)

Collegue: You see it's like that security guard house over there. There are many different routes to take see... you can walk from your point, I can walk from my point and in the end we will reach that same place.

Swee: Oh Ok... (darn...help help. Stumped)

Of course when I took his car I tried to relate to him my experiences with God and how God's word is truth but I knew that if I could not ans his totally false notion all would be for naught.

Well God revealed the ans the next day and I was disappointed, (why not earlier?). God said that indeed from wherever you are you can take any route you want and all will lead to the same place, as all will die and meet at the gates of heaven for judgement. But how many can get in through the door? There is only one way in, and are you confident that you have the means to get in?

Jesus says I am the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.

And when I finally got the ans I was truly amazed at the wisdom of God. Hopefully this will not be wasted and I believe in time to come such a wonderful truth can be used to bless another.

I hope that I will never change now. This is how I want to live my life, for nothing absolutely nothing can satisfy me more than just living for God and His cause.

hunger

2007-04-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

As you can see studying in school is an immensely boring thing to do hence the constant update of my blog...

Today as I was travelling to school with bjork blasting in my ears I was triggered into thinking about how hungry I always was. Not physical hunger but the hunger that is drive. It scared me that I will never be fully assuaged. What if I realise that no matter how much I do I will never be fully satisfied?

I got back my lit essay...pretty hilarious... I was so afraid the grade will totally marr my studying time in school that I told my friend to keep it for me without showing me the grade and then passing it back to me at 9.30pm when we left school. Ok so it was a rather well done piece=) I'm glad I improved, but what scared me was that I didn't dwell on the relief and happiness that was brought about by God's grace, but instead was poring over the paper to see what went wrong. Then...thinking about consultation blah blah blah

Ohmyged am I a workaholic, control-freak? I think I can never be satisfied. Never...'til I die and go to heaven?

That's why I feel scared for myself in the future... I hope that I will know when enough is enough and not totally go crazy. Then again... I think I'm exaggerating lah... hunger... I am hungry but I do know that in the end the rat race is for naught...so lets just enjoy the feeling of being full.

keep trying

2007-04-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, one of my church friends told me how my msn nick inspired her to keep trying=) A very simple thing to say but when she said it, it gave me strength. To encourage oneself and in the process encourage another really creates so much joy. I have come to a point in time whereby trusting God does not make me feel secure but in actual makes me doubt even more. It's quite a strange thought but rather logical if you see it in a secular light. By saying that you trust in God you relinquish control over things and so you would feel helpless in some sense. Though of course, God helps those who help themselves so maybe there is some form of power left in our hands.

I just had my first paper today...I like this module=) I prayed really hard but I am still uncertain about the outcome. But you know what... doesn't matter anymore whether life gives me a kiss on the cheek or slaps me in the face, I shall appreciate it. That is the beauty of life, the flavour of life. If I die tomorrow it's good if I live 'til 80 it's great if I don't die haha...even better I guess. So if I do get my dreams it's good, if I don't then great it will be a surprise. Whatever it is I think I shall embrace it and just keep on going on.

Of course it is easier said than done, especially at 2pm today when I will receive yet another assignment which may break my bones and spirit all over again. Oh my God...are you still there, they are small little things but I already feel so brittle...please help me trust in you again.

"I don't care about anything
While making a face like, "OK, Whatever"
I've always, always been praying
I want what I don't have
I can't be satisfied that easily
So I keep trying"
("Keep trying"--utada hikaru)

Reality

2007-04-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

Why do things change so fast? Why do people change so fast? Is there nothing left that is worth having?

I feel so...everything is lost...I thought I didn't need and maybe I don't because even as I type this the pain ebbs. I heal fast maybe. I will move on...

Every night is a struggle now... how could have been so foolish to be such an idealist? Tell me? I guess because in every human being there is always this capacity to hope. To say it's going to be ok.

I know it will be, just never expected such a bitter, cold slap in the face from reality. The cold hard kiss of reality that just freezes your heart... grips it and claws at it. Nothingness now just pure nothingness...

"when you walk away, you won't hear me say, please... oh baby don't go..." Maybe it's better like this. Paradoxically, I am glad...

Haha...I speak in songs now=)

dancing through the dark currents

2007-04-20T00:32:00.000-07:00

I know i did put this song "Kremlin Dusk" up before, i vaguely remember...

It's been one hell of a ride. I'm back alive, almost. And you wouldn't understand because I too could never comprehend myself very much.

I'm the world's most disturbing girl I think. If I could project my thoughts and feelings on a screen it would be horrifically beautiful...if there is such a word as 'horrifically'.

When I feel so raw and vulnerable I realise the thing that I always knew long ago, that the only person you can rely on is really yourself. Then again friends always come and tell me they 'love me' and just these words can reduce me back to human again.

Oh batter my heart 3 personed God. Art thou there? Hear me cry...

You with your whole battalion of the divine...if you are against me than I pray in vain. Give me that which defines who I am and not what I need!

Then I grow quiet, of course I grow quiet...we always go quiet after a while and just realise and maybe become a little wiser.

"we dance through some dark currents... on the surface implicity, finds the deepest pit in me...and it's pagan poetry...pagan poetry..." Bjork, Pagan poetry.

Music, the only thing I can really understand, that will be true to me.

kremlin dusk

2007-04-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

"Kremlin Dusk"

All along I was searching for my Lenore

In the words of Mr. Edgar Allan Poe

Now I'm sober and "Nevermore"

Will the Raven come to bother me at home

Calling you, calling you home

You... calling you, calling you home

By the door you said you had to go

Couldn't help me anymore

This I saw coming, long before

So I kept on staring out the window

Calling you, calling you home

You... calling you, calling you home

I am a natural entertainer, aren't we all

Holding pieces of dying ember

I'm just trying to remember who I can call

Who can I call

Home... calling you, calling you

I run a secret propaganda

Aren't we all hiding pieces of broken anger

I'm just trying to remember who I can call

Can I call

*Born in a war of opposite attraction

It isn't, or is it a natural conception

Torn by the arms in opposite direction

It isn't or is it a Modernist reaction

*Born in a war of opposite attraction

It isn't, or is it a natural conception

Torn by the arms in opposite direction

It isn't or is it a Modernist reaction

Is it like thisIs it always the same

When a heartache begins, is it like this

Do you like this

Is it always the same

Will you come back again

Do you like this

Is it always the same

Will come back again

Do you like this Do you like this

Is it like thisIs it always the same

If you change your phone number, will you tell me

Is it like this

Is it always the same

When a heartache begins, is it like this

If you like this Will you remember my name

Will you play it again, if you like this

(by Utada Hikaru)

***********************

I'm always good at hiding my feelings under layers of doubt, under layers and layers and layers 'til sometimes I just lose myself and lose so much. Can you turn the tables now? So much passion can also have that dangerous potential of turning into hate. I have never felt more rawness in myself than I do now the way life just surprises you like this, catches you off guard and when you cross that thin red line you know, that close to nothing can burn off the ice.

It's not complex, very simple actually when you take a step back and assess the situation. I now know where to go and how to go about doing it. It's very simple once you get pass the sudden flux of breathlessness, the ache then you feel the same old you returning back again.

I always hoped, waited, was patient but I think it was a foolish thing. I feel the sudden coldness blowing at my heart and I swear this is the last. Never more will I search for my last lenore. I never needed and never will. In a sense there is goodness to come out of the pain. I taste and now I feel how life truly is when you feel like emotions can totally consume you. Consume me 'til I'm numb and in want of no more.

rant

2007-03-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

This sucks, the whole feeling sucks. I feel depressed, not crazy majorly depressed but depressed enough to feel like just ponning all my lessons and go home.

Why in the world would I do that? Well definitely silly when I look back but I got a horrendous grade for English Renaissance Lit... Horrendous. D+! D+ which equates to INADEQUATE as stated by my tutor... On top of that remarks that I really don't blame him for putting but just really painful to look at... Unintelligent, serious difficulty with language, carelessly written...OMGawd. *faints*

The thing is this whole lit essay is not just a lit essay... it just reflects so much on the whole cycle of 'everything-ness' in general... like no matter how much freakin' effort you put into something, this imperfect world will always be blind to it. Man, I really thought through the whole essay, sat down and wrote out all my ideas, debated with myself like crazy 'til I got a freakin' headache, borrowed external texts for reference...tried so hard to be coherent (ok I admit I tend to ramble when I right)...just giving it all I've got...and yet nothing back.

SO it's just a grade you say, yes I say so too myself...but my whole life NOW is based on all these grades to define myself. I really hate grading systems...like I feel happy just learning and all without the grades be a kill-joy. Of course as you can see now I'm really not rational so please ignore this post and just let me rant.

Competition is so stiff! Man it's like a million students to one tutor and you just have to be really good to actually do well, cause like it or not, there is the tendency to compare. It's just like the stupid sperm and egg analogy... that race to come to this world. Urgh...races...I can't even crawl anymore let alone run.

So tired...must be feeling brittle today due to lack of sleep. So with each damn pithole I feel like this must be it...I can't do it anymore...then...then I try again lor.

Just keep trying and trying and trying and when you get there great and when you don't damn it...so here it goes...

Ok really seriously not rational blogging....but even so I do feel better airing my grievances, now is the question of whether to post this up or not

journey

2007-02-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

I have moved=) It's a really lovely place and call me heartless but I don't miss my old place at all... in fact it's as if i didn't move when actually that old place harboured most of my memories for the last 13 years.

As I was packing my stuff for the move...man I felt like a voyeur peeking into my own life all over again.

The many journal entries that echoed my hopes dreams aspirations, that reminded me of my dark moments and private hells. The frequent childishness of the entries sometimes do make me laugh and feel as if I have finally grown up. 20 years of life has made a wise sage. But yeah right... I think you can never know enough, unless it's God given wisdom=)

The many letters, little notes and special tokens from friends and the lovely people you meet in life... the photos that remind you of the days when you were sooo..."uncool". The MG girls, the Ac people...choir tour and crazy classmates. The silly polka-dotted box from ikea that the choir "men" crafted up...that still has a hint of indescribable fragrant(literally, I'm not kidding..smells nice=).

Oh man..I could go on forever, looking at what I have cooked up or rather cooped up these 13 years. Is it really 13 years in that old house? Wow...ok. Since my P1 days..

Yup revisiting my past was quite the experience, I didn't feel like it was dejavu at all, I found everything still new and interesting despite having been through it before. It's nice to know that really I haven't changed too much...I still go through the same thought processes at times...still have the same people who light up my life, still hope for the same things, still strive for the same things, maybe more conscious of the hurt and darkness...but don't think I have really morphed into a cynic.

I know it sounds rather silly to end like this, but believe me as I packed my room and flipped through those old diary entries addressed to God, I realised, I may have changed in many minute ways but He hasn't changed at all. He still hears me when I call, He still wants the best for me...

and gosh if he has been with me for more than the 13 years that old house and memories can account for...He will stick with me until the end. Truly as I reflected in that room of mine...what a great God we serve=)

Wonder where He will take me next..

tuesday

2007-01-16T23:02:00.000-08:00

I am blogging on consecutive days... wow. That is a major shift from the usual long breaks in between posts. Yay thank you for your lovely tags so nice to hear from people you don't really see often or aren't exactly tangible at that point in time. Thank God for the internet.

It's a tuesday... I like tuesdays:) Even tho it's my longest day at school but I love Film and cultural text makes my day...English Renaissance is another issue altogether.

Swee is about to embark on a totally mind-rotting, fluff and very much time-wasting chick lit book called "Deadly Housewives". Oh won't Jo and Geoffrey be proud of me. So much for Paradise Lost...yes supposed to read that by next Monday...uh-oh.

But all these serious academic stuff is giving me a headache so I really craved chick lit all of a sudden...

Anyway time is running out so if any of you who did say you want to watch Forbidden Chestnuts pls tell me or I will just go watch it myself...it's ending in 2 weeks I do believe. Tix I do believe is around $10.

Haha this is such a random post.

Alumni BBQ

2007-01-15T23:47:00.000-08:00

I don't like flash, don't know how to use the built in flash to my advantage and don't have enough money to buy better flash, hence I don't use flash. So ta-da! It's dark but that's to create the effect of suspense and tension...we are waiting to surprise Mark on his birthday!!

Batch of 02/03 and 03/04 combine...because not enough people...

2007-01-15T23:41:00.000-08:00

Batch of 04/05. Our batch!!! yay!

Batch of 05/06. Junior Batch:D

Batch of (?) Great great grand seniors:D Respect.

2007-01-15T23:39:00.000-08:00

Daphne! She is so shy...

Steph! Great to have you back from aussieland:)

Steph and Mel Geow!

2007-01-15T23:28:00.000-08:00

I like this one too! haha Toshi and his hat(is there another name for it?)

Qingyuan! It's been a long time since I last saw him so it wuz nice to see him at the BBQ with his usual idiosyncracies.

Mr Sum and David Charles Tay. I like this one after I the tint. Otherwise it wuz overexposed..can't stand the flash as I have mentioned before. Haha...as usual David with the classic 'dao' face, such a contrast in facial features...

*****
Due to my sudden fluctuation in mood I have decided to look at happy pictures to cheer myself up ha...so the oh so lazy and un-tech-savvy swee has also finally decided to upload them up lah...yay. These are pics from our Alumni BBQ:) Last year...30th Dec! Not that long ago. But still seems like ages...soon you can have BBQ at my house! I'm moving...far far away, gg to be the next Lianglin;p Btw most of the photos are not taken by me...ha...alot of em by random people who borrowed my cam, so credit goes to Jo who is far far away in UK and Hengyi who is still in S'pore:D

Breathe

2007-01-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

My cousin's lovely little baby.

Peace.

Seeing my cousin's baby makes me feel much better inside. I don't feel too good today. It's hard to explain. You know the sort of hopeless feeling you get...not so much despair but just like hopelessness...and wanting to give up and wondering why you keep trying.

Looks like no matter how long you live and which ever point you are in life, there will always be low points. Always. But I think I have grown to not see it for it's microscopic worth. Things usually get better, ok fine...always gets better. But when I stand here right now feeling the way I do it's still just as hard as ever to hope for something better.

But you know what...I think I'm gg to keep trying and maybe something good can come out of it one day:)

overdue

2007-01-10T20:14:00.000-08:00

Finally uploaded the class gathering pics in August:) Sorry it took so terribly long;p Hee rmb I'm no computer expert so yes... Haha hope you all will take a look at the pics and till we meet again, have a blessed New Year!!! Miss you guys...at least Huiling and I take the same lit module:)

Below is the link for more of the class photos uploaded:

Class photos

on a whim

2007-01-09T00:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time! Really long time and yeah i suddenly realise I do miss doing this thingy called blogging. Always felt like it is rather silly to air out your life but since im here doing it I shall vanquish that thought and say hello!!

Gosh im 20 this year. NOOOOO....the final count-down will come after CNY... why am I so old? Why does time pass so fast? Why do I have only 2 more months left to enjoy teen-dom?

I made resolutions this year. 7 ones to be exact and I'm trying to adhere to them!! But 2006 just passed so quickly I haven't exactly settled into 2007 for the urgency of fulfilling the resolutions to take effect.

I have great faith in God to do wonderful things this year:) It's gg to be beautiful. And I know it's gg to keep getting better. 2006 has taught me alot. Alot about myself. My strengths, my weaknesses and His strengths in my weaknesses.

Thank you God. When nobody seems to understand You understand perfectly.

Then again thank God for the many many bonds and friendships! I'm truly blessed. I know I haven't posted up any of the photos I have taken in the longest time! I will soon. And really some are so out-dated I feel quite paiseh to the people I have promised since like last year August:p

Yes once swee finds time!!

By the way just need to say this!! Film & cultural text module rocks!! I get to watch Will & Grace during lesson time!!! Joey is jealous I know.

quote

2006-10-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

You know that quote that janice koh says on arts central: "...i believe if you want it bad enough, life will open it's doors to you."

I love that message, I love the whole feel of that advert, it makes me want to believe that truly life will open it's doors for you one day. And I guess in small quiet ways I learn to accept that it can still be beautiful even if that door is not opened yet.

I don't want to live in a world like Amelie that can only be seen in her own head and not ever felt. It's really quite fustrating...it really is. I think I will still go ahead..i can't just give it up...i can't even if you tell me my dear that many things are permissable but not always beneficial. But how do you weigh the benefits of a certain matter.

Anyway guess where i am now? Im in my fave place in nus:) it's the forum!! Reminds me of the bleachers, not that it looks remotely like it..juz the feel nice breezy feeling it gives me.

I have everything i need and everything that I NEED to do in front of me.

Sigh...and of course everything that I WANT to do that is out of my reach or not permissable at the moment.

Is there even such a word as 'permissable'

Goodness i don't even know and I'm using it like it's free...haha...somebody help check it out at dictionary.com please. My brain is rotting in it's little sphere.

Ok toodles back to work now. Will load the class photos up mengz!! Give me time k.. haha like after 1st nov!

entrapment

2006-09-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

Oh woe...my lovely little fantasy sphere is no longer available...haha i speak of course of that timeslot whereby i indulge in totally cliche korean drama serials. The series juz ended what a bummer man.

Yes...so how has life been? Oh well totally rollercoaster-ish, pendulum-like if i may say so and btw did you know that i have been bitten by the cynic bug?

If you like your world to be happy with chocolate-coated rainbows and cotten candy skies then mayb u should reconsider taking lit as one of your uni modules:) Haha...but no-oh i so do not exalt cynicism...goodness me what would I give to go back to those good old days of yore in jc whereby i would smile and know that good things are all for me. Now i think good things don't necessarily come your way...

Darn...and this cynicism bug has not only bitten me but many directors as well.. i feel like most of the movies i watch seem to enjoy portraying people who keep fighting for something only to lose it or juz not be happy after getting it...why why why?? Must it always be so depressing to appeal to us human beings/artistic critics? Mayb we are all becoming more and more depraved:)

Darn it but i still want to skip through life singing: everything's gonna be alright leh...Yes..i know i'm a Christian...I know i know...but i can think too right?

Anyway...don't get me wrong:) I still have my little 'bouts of happiness and reminders of how beautiful existence is...yeah.. and they come without a rhyme or reason too. But it can leave equally fast. Hence I say it's been rough..internally. I thought i matured and wuz so over that angsty, depressed stage of teenagedom...now how did i end up back here again?

I really thought i wuz so over that...hmmm...

But i guess it will get better...I mean I know God:) He's no Kafka.

oxymoronic

2006-08-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

Shakespeare and Oxymorons
William Shakespeare loved to play with words. In A Midsummer Night's Dream Theseus speaks these oxymoronic words (Act V, Scene I):

"A tedious brief scene of young Pyramus
And his love Thisby; very tragical mirth.'
Merry and tragical! tedious and brief!
That is hot ice and wondrous strange snow."

Is not love like this...painfully and ironically oxymoronic. Drives people insane with or without. Crazed lovers and their muted passive lovees. Lolita is one such lovely example. Torrid...awful...yet vaguely beautiful.

Why why must it always be so duplicit. Can't it just be simple and sweet? But what is passion without lust? Or love without passion for that matter...maybe the oxymorons just emphasize the impact that such feelings have on one's sensory, the state of confusion, the magic cosmic effect that blurs the lines and lead to such dualities. So it hurts so bad and aches so deliciously that one can feel delirious at the end of such a blessed encounter.

I'm but a dastardly soul in a black prism.

Mapping it

2006-07-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

Tis tragical...i lost my cf card...sobz. Can't find it anywhere. I brought it home last sunday and due to being overworked that day...i wuz in a complete catatonic state...so yeah i don't remember where i last left my cf card...searched everywhere for it...prayed real hard so let's hope it resurfaces soon. Man...it's 60 bucks, don't want to go and pay for another.

Sigh...expenses have been rather high...and i didn't even go shopping yet!!! Rawr...i have many shopping trips planned out with people...so yes, juz waiting for that paycheck:)

So yes, finally an off day...it's time for swee to sit down and plan her little life. I think it's really time to start focusing on what i really truly want, and to stop being the Jack of all trades. As my mum can truly attest to it...im not superman, and she constantly reminds me tt...yes i know... Just tt being me...im one greedy pig who wants everything and finds it hard to fully let go of something. There are always hidden extra strings attached...im always gone but never truly...just lurking on the standby. Darn it. I hate goodbyes lah.

I don't feel like gg for 0 week in all honesty. Oh well, but is it impt? Come to think of it I didn't really want to go for union camp either..hmmm...but yeah...i guess i would go in the end due to external pressure.

Need to start mapping it out. Where to go, which course take...where to go man from here...do i still intend to work or not...my bosses seem to need people leh...i feel inclined to stay...do i still want to keep singing? Maybe being the audience isn't so bad. sigh...i need to sit down and start thinking seriously abt everything..and of course find my cf card. Oh yes and did i mention? i also lost one of the earrings my mum gave me..eeps and it's diamond studded...die die...yes..so swee needs to do something abt everything. See ya when she figures it all out:)

union camp 06

2006-07-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

A week has passed and yes many things have changed, cometh and gone. Union camp wuz a refreshing little peak in my relatively humdrum sort of life. It makes me feel like hey, uni life may not be tt bad after all. Ok ok so there wuz the initial need to adjust to certain changes...the cheering in hokkien and chinese, the absolute need to eradicate all traces of angmoh pai and re-branding oneself as a fully certified ah beng or lian for the sake of our group's pride:) Im from Pai kia!! Haha.

From the very first mandrin game we played apprehensively together, to the crazy night walk which relied on trust as we were blindfolded, to the soap, water and mud we braved together, crazy hokkien cheers tt required psycho-motor skills, to fright night with their admirable ghouls, war games where we were not exactly victorious on the field but in our total 'wu-sehness' to the lovely hightlight of secret pal night...bonding together in meeting a certain someone's sp...ahem. Haha... I speak in all honesty, I never knew so much could be bought with $45.

Indeed, it takes time to find true friendship and 5 days may be a little too short, but it has certainly ignited the little spark. See you guys soon tmr and in the subsequent days of our uni life.

2006-07-18T17:08:00.000-07:00

xiao qing and charmaine.

2006-07-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

Yiqing, Miss union camp 2006:)

At breakfast before beach games!

The hoo ha over kenneth's sp's letter...

The notorious letter that made everyone's day esp kenneth's.

2006-07-18T16:47:00.000-07:00

Ronald, he who has braved 6 union camps.

Our mascot!! The best looking by far. We really are the most 'wu seh' group. oh yeah.

2006-07-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

Cheer away!

The dudes or the bengs...

Siqin and Siqian...the former a fellow ascian from science.

2006-07-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

A quick shot while waiting for the tram:) Our first group photo.

2006-07-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

JJ and his adoring train...

Smiling faces:)

Liruo cheering her guts out.

2006-07-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

Us at the beach, the sunset is really more beautiful than this.

There, in it's true glory

Juxtapose. Drinking games on your left and polar bear on the right.

2006-07-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

SP nite:) That's alven, joshua, jialing, kenneth and yours truly.

some of the ogls and us:)

The whole Pai Kia clan decked out in their nines:) Thank you for making it special.

Update

2006-07-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a long long while since i feel less lazy to go online. These pictures are way over due man. The choir is already in Europe and yay congrats to them for coming in 1st and 2nd in their categories! Im going along ok... this week will be quite the experience, union camp tmr. I feel vaguely excited yet, i feel too old leh. Will attempt to take some photos there:) Urgh the con abt having a cam this big is the lugging around. Anyways, here are some photos of my trip with cass, joey, ll and tatt to Arab street, followed by Alumni bbq and finally cha's bdae party! Yep til then.

At Haji lane trying to find this lovely jewellery craft shop called quaint secrets...i think.

2006-07-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

A mosque which we past by on the way.

Haha, this is hilarious, we decided to eat at this egyptian place but they didn't have a table then...so being adventurous we tried sitting on the carpets. Then er...decided it may be a tad too dirty...could be lice.

Joey took this shot:) Haha...not too bad.

2006-07-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

Joey quek and his narcissistic ways...we took 3 cont shots of him posing...but i deleted the rest except for this that managed to make e cut.

The food is not really tt yellow...the lighting is.

soccer fever beneath me...at chijmes.

2006-07-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

Pre-bbq, us preparing the food for the people who are not here early...

Bert's creation

2006-07-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

The food!!

Kok Fai...or is it Kok Phai...proposing a toast to the lens.

Mindy and the bright lights.

2006-07-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

Chloe and her chicken wing!

The ladies.

2006-07-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

It was fun, thanks guys:)

2006-07-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

The birthday girl! Cha:)

Chalene and I:) will miss you loads..

freefall

2006-07-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

This few weeks have truly been a testing for me, my christian walk, my faith, my believe. The forbidden fruit always seems so much more enticing, attractive, desirable. I do lust after it with a craving, aching heart. But I know it's for naught, and what good can come out of the transient satisfaction that the world has to offer.

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to just freefall. To just let go and free fall your way through life, hoping maybe like all the people who testified of His goodness and grace, that He will likewise save you before it's too late? I have wished it many a times. When the temptation beckons and calls to me, drawing me like the sinful scent of the cigarette smoke, which i both hate yet am beginning to feel strangely appeased by it. I wonder...if there will be a safety harness at the end of my fall. How can i testify of His goodness if i have never even tried crossing the edge and toyed dangerously with my limitations? Yet my moral fibres refuses to give me a break, they scream out to me in my mind, even congruously to the evil that lurks at the back.

Oh that im not that pure, I don't attest to any goodness and purity at all...Sometimes I just feel so tired of living for Him all the time. But how can I say so when I truly mean the praises I sing and the worship I give Him every time I do so. You know, when we say, 'Lord I offer my life to you...' When I say that I want to live for Him all the days of my life, I truly mean it! But in action, when I'm faced with a whole paraphernalia of choices that can either please my flesh or please Him, I realise that it's harder than I thought to truly give the reigns of my life to Him.

When I was praying and worshipping at church yesterday...I saw an image in my mind, The Father handing me the reigns of a horse and telling me, "When you are ready, you can give it back to me". Oh, i wanted so badly to give it to Him to tell Him "Lord you take control", but I couldn't do it, I couldn't let go of certain things that still had a hold on me. All I could manage to do was to let Him hold half of the reigns while I still had my hand on them. I couldn't let go. It's much harder than I thought.

I've talked to people and all they can tell me is flee...but here I am being stubborn and wanting to stand my ground thinking that I am strong enough to handle my own situation. Thinking that maybe God doesn't want me to flee..I can do all things through Christ Jesus that strengthens me right? Oh my...

Save me from my thoughts, for when the seed is implanted in the mind, no matter how far back you think you have pushed it, it's still there waiting to manifest in the flesh.

She's not falling, still clinging on but she knows it so easy to just let go.

Delicate

2006-06-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

She longs so much to ride the winds, astride the horse and amongst the men to battle. To lead, to wield a sword in her hand, to feel the rush of courage of valour. She longs to have that sort of courage, to burn with that sort of passion that seem only possible in the battlefields of old that now are mere shadows encased in the reel world. The beauty of war, the beauty of idealistic notions of chivalry, to fight for freedom, peace and believe in that little goodness in the world. I admire women as such to not wait to be saved but to yearn to save others.

It's amazing how one can be moved by a show for that moment of it's running. I really love battle scenes that uphold the usual idealistic notions so shunned today. Of course...it really depends on who the enemy is. Watched the last of the Lord of the Ring trilogy. It was spell-bounding. The whole battle between good and evil really enabled me to truly appreciate the beauty that war can entail, albeit, when both sides meet in that incandescent moment, it turns bloody and unbearable. Indeed how different it is, wars of the past and present. Yet, cynical as it is, it's the same for the dying and dead, to fall with the fallen, when the vision ahead is only the ground lay strewn with the forgotten. How tragic, to die with the knowledge of knowing you will join the forgotten legions of men, left behind when others retreat.

Yet, she is not always so strong and she wonders if true courage can ever be extricated from such a soul. When the time comes, can one really stare at death in the face? What does fear of such a level feel like I wonder. To know that you are seconds away from death and the only way to get by it is to truly feel pain for what it's worth. Shudder. Oh well, it feels silly having such thoughts, but couldn't help feeling immensely moved after watching the film. Maybe such beauty in war can only be captured in the reel world.

creativity flowage

2006-06-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

Let the creative juices flow i say. Haha, it's been, let's see, a couple of days since i last assimilated into the boring mundane office life:D I'm currently at home slacking my butt off. But it's been good, for me an idle mind means a creative mind. Ergh yet before I recount my little spark of creative genius throughtout the past few days... I need to say that, strangely, the post which i blogged on a week ago has disappeared. Vanish, zilch, nada...zip. Argh...to think that it was done in a moment of melancholy, meaning...I was letting out my rawest emotions. I feel cheated by the com...to think that i wrote my heart out and now it just well...forgot abt it. Now...it's lost forever.

La dee da. Oh well...maybe it's best this way. As my title said it, delicate, it is. Subjects like this are best not discussed.

Hee...i have juz finished making a family photo collage:) That was rather enjoyable. Created a border of musical notes, which was haha really inappropriate. But i bought the stamp already so was real tempted to try it. Then it was off to the culinary side of things, helping my grandma make some of her specialities. I'm proud to say that we cooked up a storm:) yay...wrote down the recipes too, so shall try it some day...felt uncannily like DaChangJing. Hurhur so auntie right...ooh nara ooh nara...hurhur.

Yeah...and of course prepare my sis's bdae gift...she is turning 15 tmr!!!!! Such a kid still...haha. Then...oh yes plan to start on my choir collage:D I'm really excited. Man...even when i was doing my family collage just looking at all the photos brought back a different moment a different flavour. Lovely. Oh yes and of course there is the choir batch gathering to plan. Mayb a bbq is not a good idea. Too troublesome. Hmmm...pot luck? Ok for those who read this blog...was actually thinking of having a bbq at jamie's house on say 17th a sat. But alternatively...Cass's house, pot luck. Choose one!! Both will be fun and feasible:)

Sigh...the joy of creating and making something pretty... I could just do this for a living and be well contented. Maybe i will when i retire. It gives me such a perfect sense of satisfaction to create something, I could never imagine a world without art. Yet I realise that art is very scientific as well...well not scientific per say...mathematical and very systematic. There is no fixed formula but hey you know that certain ingredients, colours and texture when put together can either make or break a potential masterpiece.

Ah wellz...ok enough of this rambling on creativity...hope to see everybody at the batch gathering!!

2006-06-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

This view is taken from my grandma's house:) The intensity of the reds and blues is really strong, nice.

Last day

2006-05-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

Being back at AC certainly gave me a sense of hapless dejavu...sitting there behind the college choir amongst the midst of alumni members and relief teachers from my batch. We sat there, listening to the devotions and then later to the announcements for the day. Term examinations for the J1s, recruitment for cip...dejavu.

We went back to see Mdm as the VP for the last time. It was a sad moment...yet it wuz nice to see all those who we have not seen in ages coming back together at the college.

Ah well, AEWF is tmr night! Time flies. I'm sick. Yeah juz this morning i work up finding that i have lost my voice. But i believe in miracles. Haha slowly recovering so hence struck down but not destroyed is she. Pls pray for me and see all u people who are heading down tmr for a night of great music making.

2006-05-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Everybody sauntering to their first class venue...what's the hurry right..

2006-05-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

Laoshi, Ms chia and mdm with her bouquet

Now u see me and my dratted bag..shdn't have put it there...ruined the shot...

And now u don't:) If u r in the pic u may copy it...cuz i don't think i will send to everybody:P sorry...

2006-05-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

Gina, bert, mel geow and sheryl, posing at the same time..

Mdm with her ex-students:)

A pause

2006-05-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'm at work now and blogging!! Ah this feels extremely illegal and unorthadoxed in terms of work...but I'm all alone and vaguely bored. Boo...don't get to watch X men with mindy and the rest tonight...sigh next time ah call my house phone, don't carry my cellphone everywhere you know...

Anyway I came across this extremely interesting article while skimming through the papers today during lunch. It was about the controversial topic of religion with certain references to the cult phenomena, The Da Vinci Code. Haven't read it and don't particularly intent to anywayz.

If you have Today go check it out...it's entitled Code for Muslims if I'm not wrong. I quote a small segment that really struck me:

"The point is that people's impressions of a religion are often related to the behaviour of its adherents. Some religions are thought of as simply kooky because it's followers behave strangely. Some are viewed as benign and peaceful because its followers resolutely will not harm a fly. But when people, supposedly in the name of religion, riot, burn and kill, it can't help but give the impression of a religion that advocates this, no matter how much we point out that nowhere in religious texts itself does it say you should do this."

Ha...food for thought so indeed one lives as he or she preaches lest you taint the name of the thing you attest to believe in. Really go read the article if you have the time!!

Little reminder

2006-05-23T23:21:00.000-07:00

Met up with joey and chua on sat at essential brews oh yes and Mel geow popped in for a while too. Nice to see you guys again. Sigh...I miss flickr. The pics on picasa look wierd when I change the width and height...it seems out of focus and blurred what a bummer:p Can't wait to upload again on flickr.

Anywayz...Really enjoyed last sat's choir prac. We had e chance to perform to e college choir and vice versa. I wuz really blown away by their repertoir. O Natus and Janger were my fave. You know the thing is, despite being in alumni I don't think I'm all that seasoned yet. There's still lots to learn. And the college choir's performance reminded me of the magic in music making. Thank you. I'm really excited for AEWF...hope to see loads of people there.

Joey quek...sorry if this looks bad...there aren't many good sides to joey.

2006-05-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

Chua is shy...

Me and Chua. Courtesy of Joey quek.

2006-05-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

Chua's spaghetti at Essential Brews

Lianlin's pasta...haha at dome..everybody is gg Italian.

2006-05-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

At dome on sunday:)

My smoked salmon and avocado with cheese tortilla. Admittedly it didn't look very appetizing on my plate either...but it tasted good..

2006-05-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Finger food basket we all shared. Chicken wings, onion rings, fish fingers and wedges.

Jamie's chocolate cake:) We had it at Cedele, Raffles Place.

I vote we go there this sat!

2006-05-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

Up close, Lianglin's pasta...

A blur ll against a sharp Jamie:)

Little India

2006-05-20T01:41:00.000-07:00

Yay, finally got these pics uploaded. Yup these are some pics to sum up my trip to little india with miss mindy and we also trawled e city area. Haha, mindy let's go somewhere else real soon:)

I like cats. It's colour is lovely.

The garlands smelt really nice:)

Really like the colours involved in this one...the contrast is interesting. Alleyway in LI.

2006-05-20T01:33:00.000-07:00

I kinda wondered what the leaves were for.

We were in a shop selling some really pretty Indian jewellery, decoratives and what not.

2006-05-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

Mindy trying it on and decided on impulse to buy it:) It's pink and pretty...not very mindy..

Despite her dislike to be photographed...I still persisted...haha..took her through the view of some bangles hanging in front of me.

I like this shot much more than the darker version with the milo looking more choclatey...it gives it a very happy feel.

Our silouhettes:) This wuz at the city area...going towards the arthouse. And so endeth our little trip:)

Blessed

2006-05-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

I think i'm really blessed to usually get nice bosses. The current job im holding has it's own ups and downs...but I do like it. It's stressful because one careless move of typing the wrong word, letter or number could really have dire consequences. I'm currently temping as a PA to a really nice man and yeah...because he is computer illiterate I handle all his incoming and outgoing emails. It's really quite scary when he asks you to type an email to his broker...oh my the thought of typing the wrong figures for the number of shares to buy makes me realise the importance of being really careful.

Anywayz, tt aside...changed the blogskin. It's to accomodate the sizes of my pics...now the pixels are much larger. Ah..but i didn't know tt flickr has a limit to the number of photos that can be uploaded per mth...sobz. So tt means I can't put up e little india pics i took when i went with mindee. Boo.

Anyway...since im free and feel sleepy and random here is a shot of the sky on our way to watch David and Johnathan's b'dae concert...

I'm for some reason, feel really thankful for whatever I have at this pt of time:)

This week

2006-05-13T00:32:00.000-07:00

This week wuz so uber slack. Had a nice long break, no work for week...so went around playing with e cam. It was fun:) Anyway here r some photos i personally like quite alot:)

Swimming Gala at ISS. It wuz my first day out with e cam...but it wuz cloudy. Being a newbie, i relied on the weather to take e photos...so it turned out ok. Played around with white balance for this one, but mainly stuck to auto. The kids r really cute...haha shd pop by e other international sch i used to work with to take some photos of em!

She looks so radiant and shy:)

This is matt! Very hyper kid.

Admittedly, this pic looks rather dull but i like her silouhette.

They were playing this game called fish nets. haha quite fun lah played with them before.

Yupz, so tt's e swimming gala for you. Then on monday decided to take a trip round my estate to really play around with e manual mode...rather hard but managed to get a hang of it:) Btw, i love macro photography.

neighbour's pink rose.

Taking this pic properly really drove me nuts. Stood there for close to ten minutes...the sky is actually rather over-exposed...haha, it wuz not so bright..but for e sake of e flower...i didn't want a silouhette.

i like e background!

Pretty rose...

Forlorn rose.

There is more to come:)

focus,shoot, viola!

2006-05-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

*Brush brush*
yes, brushing away the dust and cob webs from this space...don't know why i take such long breaks btw posts. Well, must b due to life being far too mundane to have any ponderations or epiphany worth mentioning:P But yessss....im free from the clutches of my previous job. Then of course there is e need to find a new job to hate...haha. Jk! I promise to like my next job.

Ah yes, so e highlight of last week wuz the very fact that i juz plundered my little fortune, which I had earned this few months, on a D70. Argh...i almost got a heart-attack when i realised i spent close to $1400. It's not brand new...and this price is the total of everything i needed to buy to pursue this interest...from memory card, card holder to dry-box...which reminds me i still haven't gotten a bag. Yes. Hence now im really quite broke. The cam itself is sorta 2nd hand. Yup in total i paid a nifty $1230. So it wasn't so bad.

I juz realised tt alot of guys in choir/choir alumni are into photography, yay so i have many mentors to select from haha.

So far it's not tt easy to work on manual mode, still learning so it will take some time i guess. So far im only proud of one shot. Haha... out of don't know how many. So anywayz will be gg shooting with mindee tmr...omgosh im so excited...haha. If i manage to sieve out some good ones from the rejects, will put them on. Til then.

Delicate

2006-05-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since i've aired my truest thoughts online. I have been thinking so much yet I'm not quite sure how to phrase this present epiphany in my mind.

I think overall human beings as i have said before are inherently selfish. Oh how i wish to be a free-wheeling troubadour without a care in the world, without people to account to and for. No strings attached. See now this inherent selfishness. I feel like that old angsty preteen girl that so wished to be free, resurrect again. It's just that well,for all my selfishness...i know I can't do without people. I'm literally addicted to people. As I have mentioned several times, humanity is fascinating. I can just sit there silently and observe the little ongoings between people and be amused for a long while.

Yet, I hate it when well...I want to let go but it's not fair to the latter. It's like how do you be subtle but firm, not overt or blatant. Can one just slip out of it in silence? Or must it always go off in a big bang. Can I avoid it by being a great pretender? Or do I just have to face reality and spit it out no matter how disgusting it sounds? As a friend put it once, 'i hate such delicate situations'...I so agree.

Sigh, there is so much more I wish to expound on but pointless really. You know...sometimes all i really want to do is vanish into my own head. Like juz lock myself in my own room and paint. I'm not kidding...been toying with that idea for a long time...haha and maybe just to create that oh so bleak atmosphere in the spirit of carthesis...play Damien Rice's Delicate in the background.

Don't get me wrong I'm not exactly wallowing hence no need for sympathy. It's just that sometimes melancholy seeps in and you cherish it because it makes one feel alive. Feeling happy all the time is just ridiculous though good for those who do. I enjoy my moments of blues thank you.

Haha, somehow I don't think I make very much sense...it's just incessant rambling...I just feel like saying it but I don't know how to sugar-coat it...so sorry. Please leave me alone...

On a lighter note Thank you all for coming to AEWF, it was great. A magical evening albeit not perfect...but nonetheless, my first alumni essemble hence memorable. Tmr is gg to be a real busy day...will be gg to MINDS with some church volunteers at 7.45am to help out there. I'm sure it will be an enriching experience. Later 3pm, choir gathers at esplanade for rehearsal and jap at 6.30pm. Shouldn't be a problem haha...when you have been through jc life nothing really scares you anymore:)

Au revoir.

countdown

2006-04-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, 6 more days to go before i get a nice long hiatus from swimming and like never go back to teach anymore. Haha... it's e final countdown. But u noe when u have to let something go you begin to appreciate it a little more.

Well things really have been rather pleasant so far. Last week wuz more eventful tho...had a surprise meeting with mr ian tatt, who is bald/hairless and has converted to one of those men in green rendering their services to e country. Met him at an interview at nus. My interview went rather bad tho as mindee said i felt like begging them "Pls juz take me in!!" Haha...I would like to enter this programme but really i guess it's not such a huge loss if i don't make it. It may mean tt other doors will b open in place of this closed one i guess. But, it's something to look forward to, the anticipation of wondering if i made it. Sigh...of all things my interviewers asked me my view on politics. I really, for the life of me, have not even a minute interest in this subject. Sorry, juz can't really absorb it. Which makes me feel like a silly, self-absorbed teenager. I recognise it's importance but juz can't bring myself to like reading or engaging in it. Oh well, to each his own...

Yay, tmr will be meeting chalene for dinner im happee. i plan to eat buffet...haha yeah. I have this thing abt buffets lah. I think they r damn worth it. You pay a modest sum to eat as much as u like and u can have e liberty of avoiding the food u hate while gorging on that which you love. Lurvely! Haha...what a pig.

Well...I juz feel like saying this despite tt well it is rather out of point. Prayer works! Really, esp if that prayer is not for yourself...because God moves. So yeah do make it a pt to pray for someone everyday:) For starters, pray for my interview! I do want to get into usp, but it's by His will!! Haha thanks:)

from the inside out

2006-04-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

This song really inspired and touched me deeply.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
*****

Another week has passed...believe it or not im counting the days to the end of my contract. It's a really draining job you know to teach kids how to swim. Im enjoying certain aspects of it no doubt, and some kids juz make me smile...but sigh overall it's really exhausting. I really want to get a quiet job after this. Something quiet with well fleeting contact with people...meaning people that come and go i.e customers. Haha...honestly, I think i can do without collegues. They are nice to me, but I feel so contrived at times, to some of them.

There is so much i wish to do but so little time. And here i am wasting it typing this...I always did find gg online a real waste of time:p Oh yes and i have thoroughly decided to not go. Yup, i think i wouldn't regret it too much. I think yeah. Partially due to financial reasons but definitely juz one of the factors to a host of others.

Anyway it's 2 more days to good fri! Cheers:)

from the inside out

2006-04-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

incandescent

2006-04-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

Some things are always an incandescent spark tt flickers for a moment or so then fades into oblivion...i feel my spiritual life is like tt. The passion for Christ is always ignited by well, bible study, christian friends who inspire you and church. It's really hard to keep the flame burning. It's heartening when i had a chat with a fren from church abt my probs in my spiritual walk and she told me that it prob wuz because as a Christian I had grown. When she said tt i wuz surprised...but i thought i wuz floundering.

She told me tt a likely theory wuz tt I wuz not consistent say in QT, and I had to find the source of the prob, hence i find tt I'm not as close to Him anymore. I agree with her. I mean, if one wuz a new believer and is not tt consistent in prayer, QT or in seeking the word, God will still manifest Himself to the believer to aid in his/her faith. But as one matures, the discipline as a Christian to seek the Lord is more important...hence i believe tt if as a Christian you feel your spiritual life is low and you feel distant from the Lord, the withdrawal of His presence in your life could b Him hinting at you to return to Him.

Hence, I took her advice and indeed...He reveals tt He is ever faithful, waiting for His children to come back to Him:)

*****

Anywayz... Im in an official dilemma now. To go or not to go..that is the question. Which decision will i feel most at peace with? I really haven't a clue. We'll see, I still have abt 3 days to decide.

Swee is cooking for her family on thurs. At least she plans to:) Decided to take up the job of being the family chef. I rather like cooking to tell you the truth. Hopefully it would go well. I shall go western..more fun.

Went to joey's house today with tatt and cass to bake! We baked lava cake and apple crumble. Lava cake wuz a failure lah...way too watery..the only layer of cake wuz the topmost layer which began to sink into the watery chocolate grave when our spoons went in. Haha, but the apple crumble wuz rather nice:) Everybody is gg in soon. So sad. Tatt on fri and ll on sat. We shall meet again all you soon to be ns men. Haha. I feel vaguely old.

sunflowers

2006-03-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

I wonder y most of my recent entries have such a tint of melancholy in them...it's really so blue. Nope. It's not tt my life is tt disappointing. Mayb the diff is tt during my school days one tends to be too busy to feel sad. Now tt work tends to neglect cranial activities...I begin to think too much.

But nope nope not gg to go down tt path of perpetual moping and groaning and being such a cynic. I shall recover and be happee.

I want to get a cat:) Yeah, my mum is like no way. She rather gets a dog. but sigh, cats r way cooler. I want a kitten. It's nice to see some form of movement and life in the house other than my family members of course. Hmm...yeah. But I won't get a pedigree, too snooty. Haha, really, they have this innate pride in them..and so much more demanding too. Hmm...

Well, met up with mr Joey quek last sat. Haha, cass is right joey u look vaguely naked without your hair:D Hurhur...Glad tt some of us could make it for tt cosy little gathering. Man, gg on tour this year will feel so drastically diff without all you guys from batch 05/06.

That's the thing see, apart from the money...I know it's a brand new experience and all..but man, it will b diff. Haha which reminds me, i haven't even, well, uploaded last year's tour photos. Is it too late to do it now?? Brings back memories:)

Well, the thought of gg to piggotts is enough to make me feel spurred on to start packing. Piggotts wuz really lurvely. What with all the 'englishified' feel to the whole place:) Rustic barns and farmhouse, good ole scones with cream and jam...homemade nevertheless!! Sigh...ok i want to relive tour all over again:D Haha, mindy if u r reading this...:).

Well..enough of my mindless rambling. A long post tt really goes no-where. Well what to do, im really bored and too lazy to embark on any project of any sort. Oh yes and lastly...i have a piano teacher from hell. Im so sorry. Not tt i hate her is tt juz tt everytime i go for lessons she really kills me and gives me high blood pressure. But i think it's good for me. So anyway toodles and 'til next time.

humanity

2006-03-19T21:32:00.000-08:00

The beauty of humanity, that's what struck me as i made my usual trips along the underpass in orchard. Seeing the hords of people stride pass me, a whole paraphernalia. I see the beauty in each in face. Though not perfect there is a quality beauty in each of them. What's even more beautiful is the person behind the face.

I'm thankful for everybody in my life. Every single soul. People who i have met and those tt i still meet and keep in contact. From mere acquaintances to friends and soulmates...i treasure each and everyone of them.

However it is understandable and through the experiences i have encountered throughout the week, people fail us. It really hurts when u give so much to ensure the other's heart to be kept intact and to ensure you don't let them down in anyway. Yet they take forgranted your existence and goodwill...It hurts even more when friends hurt you unintentionally...and you wonder if you really are as lousy as they make it out to be.

Hence it's really through the fallibility of man that really makes me see the perfection of God. He alone can love me for who I really am, and only He can truly say, I will never disappoint you my beloved. That is such a huge source of strength for me.

I know I too have the capacity to hurt and disappoint many around me. Even strangers will get disappointed by me...how so? Well working in orchard has led me to understand the term charity fatigue. Everywhere you turn there is this charity to donate to that orphanage needing funds. Pls help us. Excuse me miss can i get a moment of your time... I really don't mind donating once in a while but sometimes when i turn them down, and sometimes I play down the mr nice-guy role quite a bit...so yeah. It makes me feel guilty, cuz i've been in their shoes before.

Anyway. We can never do without people! Everybody needs friends to share their pain and jokes with...we all need people to relate to and confide in...But despite this, I think man needs God more. I certainly do.

shuttling

2006-03-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

The results are like a drop in the ocean of what we call life...

That's what i msg to a fren on the day of the results. They were meant to be words of comfort but now being in a situation of such immense disappointment...it's hard to live what you preach.

I'm currently shuttling to and fro between 2 seemingly different people...a part of me is angry and disappointed at the Lord and a part of me wants so much to trust and abide in Him and be of good cheer. But the bitterness in my heart curdles, poisoning my mind...i can find no peace. I want to be stronger but it's so difficult when you give everything and expect it but get not what you so hope for.

I feel as if im always living in the shadows of my dreams...i know it's no point crying over spilt milk and indeed there is more to life so much more...but it hurts so bad when dreams are dashed...

Yet through it all, im thankful for the people who are there comforting me...even collegues extending a shoulder to cry on...the kind words of encouragement.

The funny thing is it took a while for the truth to set in...in the hall i wuz disappointed but i thought it wuz ok...but when i got home and entered my dark room...the reality of things seemed to come down on me juz as the darkness engulfed my heart.

I hope to be able to snap out of it soon...it's juz so silly...nothing will change anyway...nothing would. In my moments of anger i did ask the Lord to show me this perfect plan of His... and let me see the perfection, let me prepare for more disappointments...only to retrieve back that thought in self-disgust and remorse. Sigh...the road before me seems so dim now...

epiphany

2006-02-26T21:42:00.000-08:00

silent trepidation as the truth draws near...
the finality in things, yet there is more to life most definitely.
Just a wrapping up of sorts, yet, an unwrapping of sorts--to reveal.
im scared. Nervous, trying to trust but it's really hard.

You reap what you sow, but sometimes...you don't.
the brutal unknown.
I wish i really had more faith or,
put aside the typical mindset of s'poreans
the paperchase, prints of accolades.

Still it's more than just the pretty grades.
is it prove of effort? worth?
I don't know.
It's self-satisfaction, self-gratification.

Beneath all the words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom
Beneath the inspiring anecdotes of people who chose the path not normally taken,
Beneath the shrugging off, the facades of cool indifference..
We all hope for the best despite expecting the worst.

So as the day draws nearer, i really pray for peace and strength through it all:)

a slice of silence

2006-02-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

Today wuz one of the more peaceful mornings i've had in quite a long time, it's good to rise early i say:) But sigh the day will soon be swamped with activities and the busyness will yet again suck me into that vortex...but today looking at my to-do list, it's really comparatively slack in relation to that of last week. Crazy! Last week wuz pretty insanical, enjoyable to a certain degree but busy. I sense a certain dejavu in my life...this is juz like last year...the busyness the many activites. Where is the time to smell the roses i say?

But through it all im glad i still manage to start the day with Him, really need it. And on Sundays, glad i can be refreshed once more to face the crazy week ahead.

We-ell...i kinda dread march cuz it will be the start of my new job at ISS(international sch of s'pore). The working hours will be long and early. No diff from gg to school i say:( 7.30am-4.30pm. Woah. I feel tired already juz thinking abt it. Plus the job scope requires me to look after kids ages 3 to 4. I like kids...but after my current stint at Canadian international...i'm beginning to reconsider my qualifications to handle such kid-related jobs...

I tell u ah...they really bully me you know!! Sobz. Because they know i won't really scold them. But how to scold? They r so cute...Bleagh.

Anywayz...it wuz a false alarm after all...A-level results didn't come out last fri. Ha and i wuz all ready to receive it with open arms..even informed e principal tt i may not be coming that day:p Sat wuz FunORama! Real fun:) Helped out at the corporate gift store...really made the whole day much more enjoyable!! Will do it again if i had the chance. And my catching skills for the tees really improved too haha...yeah lah wuz really paiseh when i missed the tees being thrown at me:p

So there, this year so far is gg well will be rather sad when it ends cuz tt would mean im no longer a teen anymore!!! Sobz. Will celebrate the entering of my last teen year in 2 days time...man when we all look at this way, next year seems so gloomy. Haha...

quiz

2006-02-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

You scored as Journalism. You are an aspiring journalist, and you should major in journalism! Like me, you are passionate about writing and expressing yourself, and you want the world to understand your beliefs through writing.

Dance

100%

Art

100%

Journalism

100%

Linguistics

92%

Sociology

92%

Philosophy

92%

Anthropology

83%

Theater

83%

English

83%

Psychology

83%

Engineering

58%

Mathematics

58%

Biology

58%

Chemistry

50%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

passion

2006-01-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

I realise that i have many passions, many interests and hobbies...but like they say jack of all trades, master of none. How pathetic. I look back at my life and realise that despite all that passion and interest i have never really invested my time and energy into any of those areas to truly say that 'i'm good', and really mean it. Yup,how pathetic...like where have u been swee? So sad. Shall try to maximise on the time before entering uni to do something with that interest.

****

You know if love is a choice...then there can't ever be such a thing as love at first sight right? I mean because it's a choice it requires effort and hence a lot does not come from mere feeling as such is the basis of this love at first sight concept. I mean love at first sight would mean a sudden rush of emotions that literally leaves you breathless. Then this love at first sight will lead to the birth of an infatuation due the constant thought of this particular meeting...spiralling to silly romantic fantasies and so forth.

So how do feelings become entangled in this web of love? Do we have any basis to say that we are in love, if love is a choice, juz because we feel different about a particular person? Yet to a rational and practical person...it does seem rather ludicrous. How can you love a person if you don't know the person well enough to make a choice? Hence love at first sight may not actually exist.

But a probable rebuttal would be that there is some sort of divine intervention. I mean as Christians, we believe that if it is in congruous to God's will, He will provide a special someone for those who 'need' it. I guess i say 'need' it because others have the honour of using their singlehood in servitude for God and still be perfectly happy.

But ok, if you ask me...love at first sight is really quite ludicrous, a proclamation made owing to hormones working over-time... Still it is such a romantic, hollywood-styled sort of love tt i guess secretly in all our hearts we do wish it would hurry up hit us on the head already, haha:)

ruminations

2006-01-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

It's raining again in our sunny island singapore, so lurvely makes me think of the supposedly dreary cityscape of London. I like rainy days, wet shiny asphalt, drumming roof tops, the scent of dewy wet earth. I juz don't like it when my feet get wet so i try to avoid wearing flip-flops, bummer.

Currently swee is working as a little ol' waitress:) It's quite an experience and i like the environment of the place, plus great food. Yes so while i wuz working several thoughts ran through my mind...i think it's really cool being a waitress, in a way it helps one become stronger don't u think? As in despite having a horrible day or encountering a rude customer, one still needs to put oneself aside and continue with one's best front. It's like you put all your own emotions aside and juz keep giving the best svs u can possibly give. I think it's great cuz i feel stronger. It's like training one's patience and self-control:) Waitresses (& waiters) r cool dudes y'all. I really enjoy this customer svs thing...ok so granted it wuz only my 2nd day, the other more seasoned workers has shared me the horrors of unreasonable, demanding customers but tt's ok...hopefully i will not lose my cool..

Anywayz A level results r coming out sooner than i would rather it to be...so, yupz for the time-being i shall juz trust and pray that all would turn out well:)

Big Big World

2006-01-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'm currently in the transit zone, the zone waiting to enter the big unknown n i don't like it one bit anymore. Maybe i do, the possibilities are exciting but the unfamiliarity is daunting as i expound once more.

Haha the last day made me realise how much i miss being a little junior beginning jc. I don't really want to grow up now. I do want the freedom of being a grown-up but sigh, will it be as uneventful, stressful and all those things that people say when u grow up. I think experience is the only teacher for this area.

Juz 6 months more before i enter another phase of my education life. So what do i, ought i to expect from uni life? Is it gg to be one filled with passion, spirit and integrity...or is it gonna be one huge slimeball out there? Or maybe that's juz the working world...Will i be able to uphold my own ideals or will i be weak and fall as others excavate the ground i stand upon. What would it be like? I wonder if i ought to listen to what others say abt uni life...bleagh...bleagh y can't there be an AC uni y'all...omgosh how silly.

Ok i shall stop my incessant and blatant rambling about the future, gg for choir alumni now...haha and so i guess it never ends one way or the other, good medicine for one's nostalgic soul.

O06

2006-01-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

Well well back again in school crashing orientation as a j3. I must say despite gg through orientation thrice, each are of a different perspective hence diff emotions surface.
No matter what...my first orientation will always be the most special one, the second wuz tiring but a great experience of being in the shoes of an ogl and the third...haha made me realise that im ready to grow up:)
I must say orientation this year is great, the j1s really look like they r enjoying themselves immensely, esp the og i crashed...super enthu bunch of peeps. But i guess for me it's juz dejavu again...and it is quite tiring...really makes me admire the ogls for having so much energy rah rahing the rest of the j1s. I came back because i couldn't and didn't want to let go but after i experienced it i realised tt i would prefer to be a spectator. Of course there are certain instances whereby i would love to join in...but many a times i prefer juz to observe and reminisce.
So i have learnt to let it go but the memories of all my experience will always be dear to me. The cool thing is that even til today i can still rmb quite abit of my old j1 mass dance...but m struggling with this year's dance. It seems like the dance gets harder each year y'all...
Yupz tmr is e last day yeah! Campfire. Haha the campfire items always give such a headache cuz we all dunno what to do:) But i think this og will be able to pull it off lah...yeah kruger rocks!!!! Okies...May God bless all u new batch of j1s:) This is swee signing out.

change

2005-12-29T12:45:00.000-08:00

The moe registration form is driving me nuts! And to think we human beings invented such online systems to make our lifes easier and convenient...oh my so not. What happen to those good old fashion pen and paper fill-up forms which will not ever have that dratted access denied or other technical problems. Argh...i have been trying for the last 2 hours since i woke up in the morning to register. So sianz so tired. Ok now i juz have to wait for half an hour for the problem to hopefully solve itself or the next alternative is gg down to moe itself and get my form done once and for all!!! Rawr. But i must say that the customer svs people are ultra nice and patient...who noes how many times i have been calling moe man.

*breathe* ha i can't wait for year 2006:) Yup i think i have had tt heading before...sorry juz really like change, time...blah blah. Yay, i mean this year i did look forward to 2005 but wuz also filled with trepidation at the awaiting A levels...now i guess im a little excited yet scared abt that huge world out there and all it's possiblities. Ha...i did have many plans for the future but now only when im juz abt to act on them do i realise how difficult it is to fulfil them.

I wuz greatly inspired by this RD article whereby all these great people went against the odds and all the discouragement from sceptics to achieve their dreams...and i wonder if this is juz the secular view of man. That we can do all things if we juz keep at it with all determination and go forth against all the setbacks towards that goal. Yet, i dunno, the Christian mindset isn't like that right? I always thought that if it is the will of our Father...there will be a way...yet i guess not without setbacks. But what if we keep trying to achieve our goal and ignore all the negative signs tt stand in our way...what if such signs are u noe red lights that say...No you cannot do this? So would be wrong if u juz keep on gg despite all the setbacks?

Hmmm... i prefer the secular view actually in all honesty...it seems so well right...that u keep gg. I guess we can only trust tt He too knows our desires hopes and dreams and as we draw closer to Him we too can know and have our wills drawn aligned to His:)

Oh yes and Chronicles of Narnia is great! I m greatly reminded abt the Lord through the books:)

division

2005-12-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

You know i think it's harder to stick to keeping a blog once school is over...there seems to be so much more to do with one's life then typing out one's thoughts in a blog. But oh well...i have had alot to think about during these past few days. I went to a fren's church camp...and well i realised that not only are there divisions in the secular form of family but also in the Christian form. There are many different denominations in the Christian family with different beliefs and it gave me a huge headache during my course in their church.

Sigh...really if i believed in what their church advocates it's like excavating the ground which i stood upon for years and what about my personal experience with God and all the miracles, sights and wonders that i have seen Him done in my church. So there you have it 2 opposing views and only one truth. I wuz confused beyond confused. Of course i tried to be objective but i really couldn't discount my personal experience...and it made me depressed as to y the Lord allowed such a misunderstanding of His word...because both relied on His word as a basis of how each church works.

The thing is i tried my best to be objective...i wrote out all the reasons as to why this church believed in a certain way, and then went back to ask my own cell leader...i must say...the arguments can be flipped. I am so torn, i mean the duration spent in my fren's church has assimilated me to another way of worship which i have grown to appreciate and also to lead me to c the power in His word. Yet deep in me this conviction on the beliefs i harboured for years cannot be forgotten.

Yet something that my cell leader said struck me. He said I may not know God's word as well but i spend more time knowing my Lord...So by knowing Him I have better knowledge of the word then if I juz study the word on it's own. It's like if you know your Dad well enough you would understand his lingo...you would understand his thoughts for you as the child.

Hmmm...i still have my doubts but i think this experienced has been a blessing in disguise. Despite all the pain initially i have to say that i have grown and now im more determined to live my life for the Father:)

Wheee...

2005-12-03T04:23:00.000-08:00

Whee..i finally did finish prom shopping at the expense of my poor leg nerves that r killing me. Ergh after 5 days my cartilage still hurts...oh dear and people are scaring me that i can go blind if there is infection. OOh...i hope i don't go blind...but yeah i have heard abt such a possibility. Ok nvm i shall give my poor ear a couple more wks before i go check with a doctor:)

I lurve weddings:) Lurrvve weddings it's so great to attend them, of course mayb that's why i have fantasies of being a wedding planner...whee i would create diff themes for people so fun:)Haha. We attended one of our teacher's wedding today, it wuz sweet.

I really agree with the groom, the sweetness of reconciliation is indeed wonderful. Not juz u noe lovers and all but family and frens. Juz yesterday i had the hugest fight with my sis...it wuz horrid. But im glad tt we have forgiven each other...from promising to never b in the same room as each other yesterday to deciding to watch America's Sweetheart later tonight, what a diff. Yeah, reconciliation is sweet.

ok time to go pack for camp now:) It's 23 days to CCChrristmas and counting...wheee...

blank

2005-11-30T21:54:00.000-08:00

I'm still in e process of reorganizing my very cluttered room...can't believe all those notes that were everything to me juz a few days back are now trash...can't believe my table is free from files and lit text...pens neatly arranged in their rightful holders:) Woah...so freakin neat it's unnerving. Ah but the reorganizing is good...another year gone man...gone with e wind. I realise i like using elipses, shall try not to use em too much...

Anyway been busying myself preparing for prom...so many different outfits, the possibilities, probabilities but so few that are right. Haha, oh yes and of course busying myself meeting up with frens and trying to get a dream job. Hmmm of course there is e need to learn driving as wellz:) How exciting. Yet through it all i think it's strange to wake up in the morning and knowing you don't really have anything to do. It's like this strange blank, U think about your to-do-list and realise er i don't really have anything to do today. Hee...mayb im juz a workaholic, but i feel happiest when i have something to do, a purpose of sorts:)

Ahem but i reeeaaalllyy want to do something along the lines of an event planner...but i don't think there's anything close to it in S'pore right? Ok we'll c...i need a job. i want a job. Yeah n after a couple of months i will probably pine to be a student all over again, judging from how all those job-holders who constantly reminsce about the beauty of student-ship. Oh ain't life juz beautiful!

Tra lala...i finally have time to smell the roses, enjoy the freedom while u can.

tadaima(im back)

2005-11-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

Tadaima! haha actually never intended to take such a long hiatus...juz so busy with studying and all forgot to update. So before i go to sch decided to drop by.

So what's new? Hee nothing much but i must lament tt i end really late! Last paper is on the 28th, oh prolong my pain y don't u...Groan. Oh yes n what's new is tt im currently addicted to korean series!! Sigh...yes Stairway to Heaven what else. Oh manz i feel like such a sap...it's the usual love story lah...she will die from eye cancer anywayz, or so i heard.

yes i currently the only form of entertainment i allow myself to indulge in is tv, so monday there is korean drama and project runway...tues korean drama...er wed my sis has made hooked onto one of her taiwan dramas..and similarly for thurs and fri. So here i m a walking repository of sappy love dramas...feel free to ask me abt them.

Ah wellz gtg to school now...study!! Omgosh...Next wed is physical geog already...ok...n btw i really hate certain portions of hydro:P

gratitude

2005-10-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

I m grateful. Grateful to have decided to go to ac despite prior plans and dreams, grateful for the way my j1 year went, grateful for all the people whom He has blessed me with, grateful for both the pain and the joy that i have experienced and all the memories. No matter what happens i will be grateful and count my blessings:) I think for anybody, that is the secret to happiness. Not circumstantial joy, but real joy from within. Yupz, my church is currently on sermons about the joy of the Lord. I really admire people with that sort of spirit. I love meeting such people, their joy juz rubs off u and u feel so much better with their cheery antics.

yeah well i've gotta admit it, im pretty much a circumstantially-based joyful person. I guess yeah, i dunno if i've truly felt the joy of the Lord. I'm not sure how it even feels like, so how in the world can i understand it? Most of my joy is derived from when im with people, or when i m in certain situations...then when they cease to exist...my joy doesn't vanish but there is the ebbing. Haha, im not trying to seem all noble, but i want this joy of the Lord because i think joy is such a powerful aid for anybody! I feel crappy when people vent their fustrations on me...and i wonder if those around me also get affected when i do the same. Of course they do. So, yeah this joy thing is really such a potent source of strength: Hence the joy of the Lord is my strength indeed.

I really feel guilty whenever i juz lose my cool and lash out people...esp family members, people closest to u always seem to bear the brunt. Anywayz, the youth pastor said that in order for all of us to gain that God-given joy, we first need to walk in the spirit, then e fruits of the spirit will be given onto us:) I'm learning...haha it's really ironical when despite being a Christian all my life, I still feel like a baby sometimes.

Anywayz...it's baccalaurete tomorrow!! sigh...it feels surreal man. Where did the year go? Im the sort of person who gets nostalgic abt everything. Sometimes i even miss objects more than people...wierd. So yeah...hmmm as i was walking out of school today, my senses amplified my surroundings...the bleachers, the field, e sports com which we don't ever use:) Technically tmr is the last day. BUT haha not quite lah when u think abt all the mocks n extra lessons:p Yup, maybe it's because of my newfound frame of perspective, that is making me not in the least bit stressed up for As. I juz think like everything else, it will come and go...what's the point of stressing out over it man. I would rather b stressed, then i can have a push and pull factor to study harder!!! Argh...I mean last year i never tot this day would come, but now it's juz hours away, hence As will similarly come and go...everything will come and go:)juz stating facts:)

ok i digress too much, juz wanna say all the best to everybody cheonging for the supposedly hardest exam we will ever sit for in our education life, and yeah, soon we will meet next year at around march...soon. :)

lamentations

2005-10-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

4 more days to baccalaureate. I have been feeling immensely low and depressed for many reasons these few days. I don't understand why they seem to hate us so much. I felt resentful at first but now i sort of understand the stance tt they r taking. I get it now. I don't want to seem heartless. I don't want us to seem heartless. Even more so the legacy and memory that we leave behind...need it be so negative? Need it be so terrible? There is the pausity in communication and rapport between us. There is an estrangement. We are still like strangers and tt pains me quite abit. Shites...henceforth this really sucks:(

I do feel a sense of relieve tt it would end soon despite a subtle undercurrent of sadness...so tired. I juz want to get over and done with the dratted As. But i honestly don't think im working HARD enough. Hee...studying in the void is really not as productive as i would have liked it to be... yeah distracting...but i keep making excuses for myself. It's the last time we can sit study together like tt so...haiz indulge a littel lah. Oh...we sang together again yesterday:) Hee...i wuz juz sitting in the void studying when jo started to hum Give Me Your Hand.
Jo: *hum*
Swee: jo r u humming give me your hand?
Jo: yup, *cont to hum*
Swee: *joins in humming e sop part*
Jo: We need a bass...Handy!!
(Handy comes around at perfect timing)
Swee & Jo: come sing with us.
Handy: (apprehensive) what here?
(LL and jamie comes along as well)
LL: are u sure here??
Jo: We sing like pppppppppp.
Swee: Handy hurry give note!!
Handy: Doo...
(So we all start singing, then more people start streaming out from the canteen with plates)
Joey: Omg y r u guys singing...
(Anywayz we ignored joey and all of us agglomerated at the table and juz sang haha and of course he joined in after tt, from old time faves to Christmas carols:) until we were interrupted...)
Prince: Who is the idiot who is singing Christmas carols in Oct?? Is it u lot?
LL: Erm yes sir...
Prince: BUT it's OCTOBER! Alright, but keep it down...yeah...and clear up the rubbish on the table after u all are done. Ok.
(So in e end we decided to all troop down to the concourse and sing there lah...until we all were happy...)

Haha...yeah lah one of the rare occasions when we actually get to meet like tt to sing...i mean nowadays it's juz mad cheong. But i really feel like im burning out lah. I feel this sense of hopelessness because there is juz too much to do! I mean geog is so daunting manz. And lit...im dead because i haven't even read most of the stories in vintage...and art...not even sure can get the A because of all the terrible rumours zooming abt saying tt the examiners r marking down again this year. Dead, so dead. i need to get my butt up there n write now...write like mad...n i can't believe im gg for art party tmr...shites i feel guilty........ but i wld feel even more guilty not gg lah...i mean the rest also got exams what n they r gg to cook cuz it's pot luck...

Ok. Ok. i will survive...i will survive. God gave me so much the least i can do is give back by investing in my talents and working hard...4 weeks left, 30 odd days... then it's freedom, liberty!! For at least a good 6-8 mths:)

music musing

2005-09-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

Something beckons and calls and tugs
At my heart-strings
I see a bright light in front
Glimmer it does.
Hope.

Something makes me want to sing
I want to sing
So badly
But the seats are empty.
Secrecy.

Along I drift, arbitrary,
Adding a little flavour
Like a drop of honey
In your milk tea.
Yummy.

Bubbling inside me
Frothing floatation of fleeting ideas,
Nuances,
Sobbing strings, serenading.
Longings.

Enraptured by creation,
By creations’ creation
Beauty
Captured in my heart,in a little corner,
Forever.
****

I long to sing forever. I do, you know. Music. If ever i became deaf or lose my voice due to some disease...it would take tremendous courage to carry on my life. I admire people who cannot hear, how can they ever appreciate again the lovely sounds of music that mould and shape so many various nuances of people and the world? How can they ever hear laughter? Yet i have heard many who cannot see say tt they see no good, nor can they see evil. Hence those who cannot hear, hear no good, nor evil.

But i cannot imagine a world of silence. I think i might die. Melodramatic as usual:) Music inspires me to write, to live, to work, to create, to dance. Music gives me a heart. I can cry, smile or scream along to various types of music. Moods can be echoed by music. Music is my voice when i write and sing... I pray that i can have the privilege to have that wonderful gift of music as some of the great composers:)

In fact that simple, but heartfelt poem is written while listening to Kavin Hoo's piano playing in the background. :) Art is gg ok. The teachers are damn smart. They lied to us about the submission date! Can u believe it?? They colluded against us poor art students and told us that e submission date wuz on monday when it wuz actually one wednesday!! So yeah...we were relieved. Cunning sia.

darn those goodbyes

2005-09-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

OMG..according to my calculations...it's 1 day to honour's nite, 4 days to art project submission, 21 days to baccalaurete, less than 20 days to j1 promos and 47 more days to my first a level paper. OMG. eeps. I never tot i would have made it this far. So it's gg to be all over soon...*heaves a big sigh of relief*. Not that the ride wuz horrible...juz tt i'm quite tired lah. So strange been so tired lately...haven't even really started mugging yet, and the counting down doesn't help.

Hee...yup darn those goodbyes. I know in 4 days we r gg to see a somewhat closure to the happy little art community we have grown to be:) haha, n we only got closer like a couple of weeks ago due to all the frantic rushing to do prep in the studio, or usually we will be isolated in some foreign room somewhere in the school. Mine is the clay room which is basically one of the more isolated rooms...only got cherie, eugene and james for company. Then they all left one by one so i wuz left in total isolation during the sept hols...well almost. Haha, this whole art family business started last sat when mr dun came in to give us a pep talk on how we all shd help each other out...and so the term "happy little art community" came to birth:) Yeah...lah pep talk given due to poor attendence on sat...er i didn't go btw. So now everybody likes to use it and laugh abt it...but amidst those laughter and the jokes abt it, i know we all treasure it lah. Haha...those silly times when we will sit around and do prep and talk n stuff...pretty cool:) Haha n like eugene said, it will b sad when the project is done, out on display n everything..with the lights on, prep drawn hopefully to the best possible standart, and mounted...then it's goodbye to a whole year of sheer hard work and determination and the blossoming friendship within the art room. Haha. so sentimental. But like i said i have grown to be such a sensitive creature these 2 years tt it's freaking me out.

Haha...i don't know if i have said this before but i think i will say it again lah...to me i kinda have this one value on friendship that i live by: Friendship is that arbitrary unit that i will always try to keep constant. I know it's close to impossible but haiz i said i will try right?:)

time will tell

2005-09-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

ok so i finally got back my prelim results...it wuz not exactly disappointing. Thank God:) And really must thank caleb for all his help in lit. Thank you caleb,thank u caleb, thank u caleb...haha. But really i am rather encouraged by the improvement in e8. It's wierd but while doing the exams i really felt like i did the exams diff from other times...as in...my style in approaching the subjects. I think i see an improvement coming along.

I hope i don't sound like im gloating...but really with all this pessimism around hee...im glad tt i didn't do as badly as i tot i would. Though in all honesty, i did really badly for geog and ec. So will juz have to really cheong this 7 weeks. Can u believe it?? Juz 7 weeks. omgosh. yeah...

Oh wellz. Today wuz an extremely monotonous day...i basically did e1 the whole day. Can't imagine what it would be like after the A's. Probably equally monotonous. Michael Buble is coming to town:) 10th oct...bummer so near to A's.

I hate it when i can't get my pt across properly. I feel like i ought to have more knowledge to be able to convince people abt my beliefs. But words bereft me sometimes...i mean I don't know why alot of things are as such..and further more it's hard to try to convince somebody who doesn't really want to believe.

Ah wellz...sometimes it's good if one is not so qualified and smart. Acquiring too much knowledge tends to arouse many questions, simple trust and faith will hence be ousted out from the picture. Sad but true.

Be With Me, my beloved

2005-09-09T00:42:00.000-07:00

I juz went to catch e show Be With Me directed by local director eric khoo. I would think it's one of the rare local art flims tt actually got commercial attention. I heard it got sold today at GV even...I guess it's popular partly due to the controversial lesbian lovers in the show n the topic on love which is...universal.

This show really reminded me of Birth, starring Kidman...it's so visual with hardly any dialogue. I liked it though. The style wuz unconventional but it brought the msg across. Watched it with mindy n joey. Yeah, despite the lack of dialogues, the nuances were communicated thoroughly. It's so sad really.

"Be with me, my beloved, my love, that my smile may never fade."

Indeed, my smile will never fade if u never fade...
How do u express something that u want to say so much yet can find no way to say it right. It all flies away anyway juz as his pink floral pages gets blown away by the wind. Why are some love unrequited? Why are some lovers cruel? Why and how is it people can be so addicted to that one person that the addiction so embarasses yet u can't break free. Have u ever loved like that before? Maybe I have...
It's madness but you quite enjoy the feeling at times. Is it only a feeling then. How can one person hold so much power to make you feel both weak and strong at the same time, to give u such joy and pain in equal amounts.

It's easy to look like i don't really care. But i actually do. I care too much even. But I can't keep harping on it everyday can i. There are a million things people juz don't say but it doesn't mean they don't think it or feel it. I think it I feel it...'til my thoughts and feelings are spent.

It's so easy to cry. Such an indulgence. I have indulged quite a bit. The forlorn look on my face today must have scared quite a few passengers on e bus...they must b wondering who is this melancholic suicidal looking girl. Haha. Sorry m in one or my moods. The blues. Best time to write i say... Haha im so blue all i want is juz to listen to sad songs...hee i like to listen to stuff that reflect my present mood.

It's so complicated, what can i say to make all of u understand me a little better? In fact I won't even explain myself because i don't see the point anyway. This crazy little thing called love.

Be with me my beloved, and my tears will fade.

uploaded

2005-09-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

I finally took the time to upload some pics:) I have finally understood the beauty of photography...we dun need to look great, pretty, perfect or happy...posing always and all...i think the beauty is tt the pic means something...an event or memory tt i want to remember. Hee...had alot of fun putting captions for the pics:) Here are some of my faves:)

J2 farewell

The last 10 survivors at alex's house:) Hee...the lighting looks nice and nostalgic...i think.

Blow me kisses!!

The uber cool choir men shirt. Pink words. It takes a man to wear pink.haha.

At swee's house

This is classic...i will never forget how the sprite spurted out of the bottle...cass's little saga while opening fizzy drinks...it wuz quite pretty i half wanted to run upstairs to take a pic of the sprite fountain but wuz too rooted in shock.

At e beach

Some of us went to east coast to kayak n blade...hee...my arms were aching like mad at night, could hardly sleep. But u noe being out there with waves and everything, made me feel so vulnerable and see how fragile the all supposedly "powerful" human race really is. The waves were quite daunting, yet in my heart I felt at peace cuz i knew who controls the waves and calms the seas:)

Retrospect

2005-08-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

See i told u it would like tt *snaps fingers*...ha the prelims has been over for 2 days now:) I have not been playing all tt hard actually, in everything one must practice moderation. Hee...in retrospect it was not too bad. Considering tt i really thought i would only be able to do ok in art while flunking the rest of my subs...ok the results aren't out yet so im still in e pending process. But I'm hopeful. God's grace really:)

Quite surreal actually, when i put my pen down for the last paper...then juz sitting there waiting... haha yeah here i go again so totally mesmerized by this thing called time. Really...juz tt one moment im panicking to finish and e next im bubbly n excited to finally get out of the hall:)

So yeah, went with clement, tim, ped, yongXi to far east...hee then later left to catch up with chang!!!! My old sec school fren from mg:) Hee...we went shopping n all catching up over lunch. So lovely. Intended to watch wonka but in the end didn't. Sigh, this pathetic girl has not yet watched it...in fact she has not watch a single movie in e cinemas the whole year!! Oh but she has watched e sound of music:) Does tt count?

Oh yes then along comes sat...chiong to school in a cab to face my clay again. The cabbie wuz so cynical so both of us launched into a debate abt life...haha he kept telling me how pointless it wuz to work hard. The clay looks good:) Yay, thanx to mr dun's help. Then yay went for lunch with jamie, mindy and LL, to holland v for lunch:) Thai express!! my fave:) hee. Oh yes...then later flirted with the idea of getting some dessert like mud pie!!! But then decided no more cash so shd juz forget it. Hee..

Right then the highlight for that sat night wuz watching the Bone Collector. Sweet. Did i ever mention how much i love forensic science. Sometimes i wished so dearly tt i did take science...then i would be able to venture into forensics:) I'm quite serious. Though my mum thinks im mad to want to look at dead people everyday. But no it's juz tt i hate it when a murderer gets away scott free.

Oh yes n did i mention i juz cut my hair today? Ooh lala.

Haha i feel like such a narcissist. This whole entry is like a 'Grace Days of our Lives special'. Hee... but i like looking back and reaccounting on stuff that i did tt made me happy. In fact most of my journals do start with an assessment of the week or day. Yeah...cartharsis not only happens when we are sad.

juz dropping by...

2005-08-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

8a) Describe the global variations in solar radiation and discuss the extent to which these variations can be used to explain the global atmospheric circulation. (16)

8b) Explain the phenomenon of El Nino Southern Oscillation(ENSO).

...yeah...if u haven't already guessed, today wuz physical geog. Yeah. N for section B i chose this question yeah...and i left 8a) blank. Yeah. So...i lost 16 marks in this section...yeah. Just thought u all would like to know.

And mindy i received your totally random postcard. Such an honour i say:) If i have the time i shall mail u one totally random postcard as well:) Say it doesn't take very long to arrive to the recipient huh...

I survived today. Bought green apple mentos yesterday while studying geog. I don't like it. Strawberry is nicer. Hee...

Love mg

2005-08-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

Juz came back from kap:) Well i let myself have a little break today by gg for Lovemg...it's good to be back, yeah. The school has changed through all the renovations and all but hey most of the memories are there...except that they tore down the home ec kitchens!! And the pri school art room...and the hop-scotch area...and a couple of other things...sigh. But I guess it wuz time to move on anywayz.
Yay im glad i got to meet up with mengz and denise:) Haha everyone else from 4B1 '03 were chao mugging so only the 3 of us plus huiru and rachel managed to meet up. Ah wellz. I really have to say tt i regretted not treasuring the times that i had in mg. Yeah...i guess at that time i wuz still this immature brat who wuz so wrapped up in her little fantasies of life that she forgot to live. Yupz some things juz never change...my head is forever in the clouds. When i look back im surprised at how hazy my memory of my 10 years in mg seems to be. Ok fine, i do credit myself as a person with quite a good memory so...yeah it wuz rather disappointing tt i dun rmb the past which i so long to treasure now.
As i look at the mg newsletter given to us...all the pics of girls in their cute little sailor moon uniforms...i wish i took the time to enjoy the moment of being in their positions then. Now, i can only look back in retrospect. Yeah time. So fascinating. I think im gg to make the decision to treasure each and every moment tt God has given to me...so that i will not live in regret for not having live that moment.
Yup, even as i attempt to shove all the info in my lect notes into my head...i will enjoy what im studying and see as part of the beauty of His wonderful creation. Yeah and im of course thankful for the people who are gg through it too, braving it together.
Well this week of prelims have not gone too bad:) Really by His grace. But my time management skills is practically non-existent so my essays are usually working on the law of diminishing returns...ha. Yup hopefully next week will be better and joy i end on thurs. Sorry to all the science folks out there, dun mean to rub it in! All the best for prelims j2s and yeah rest in the Shadow of the Almighty why don't u:)

Aftermath of This year...

2005-08-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

I juz visited Chloe's blog...and yeah i am scared abt experiencing the culture shock tt i so dread. Indeed...mayb I am a snob deep down in the inner recesses of me. Oh crap that sux. How can it be? yeah actually i rmb having this conversation with joey...abt who we will meet in uni and stuff...haha dun think it will be all that bad in arts and social science.
But seriously what m i scared about? I am excited abt hopefully being able to meet my sec school frens but then again I'm afraid it can never be the same again. Yeah...life has shown that friends are that arbitrary unit that comes and goes...so it's hard to say whether or not we can still click. Whether we r still at tt same frequency and stuff. It's scary...but mayb im juz being this big faaatt snob. I mean who hasn't changed?
But what if it's hard to assimilate into such a new environment. I heard it's really diff. Then again i heard alot of stuff abt jc life that i still reckon is perceptions and untrue so there. haiz. So whatever lahz. Can't be tt bad, I tot things would be bad but hey, jc life is like this crystallization process that cramps all kinds of experience into a little crysolite and hey u come out changed, a better person.
I can't even rmb life very much before i went into jc...then again i wuz a freakin blur pok so... yeah lah. So very ironic that such a short span of time can give u what years of living couldn't. But hey, mayb at this point of time we are at our peak, the most awake and most aware of the intangibles. Like friendship, I think i have learnt to truely appreciate it now:) yeah lah...ignorance is bliss...i will find out next year anywayz...

Study-mania

2005-08-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

OMGosh my eyes can barely open as i type this, but i have been suffering from computer deprivation tt i juz have to go online for a teeny winny while. Juz came back from cass's house, studied like mad today. Went through Othello. Woah, after gg through the book i feel as if i can see things in a much more detailed and analytical way than i did in j1. Yes, the nuances of the play...not juz the yes and no, the black and white. Do i make any sense??
Ah...so romantic... his unkindness may defeat my life but never taint my love and this other quote:
Perdition catch my soul,
But i love thee, and when I love thee not,
Chaos is come again.
Haha. So yeah the time today wuz spent trying to get a proper consultation with the teachers then a frantic rush to study e1. But im honestly more dead for geog. Ergh...Anywayz...im beginning to enjoy studying, so that's good thing. Im actually excited at the prospect of reading my john sloman book tmr...so wierd.
Yeah lah, this is quite random but i think im wierd...but im proud of it:) Haha...rachael u can laugh at my strange fantasies all u want!!!

Time

2005-07-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

The more one studies the more one realises that one is dead. I should not even b here typing this...the op cost of my time spent here is rather high...but oh well, it's friday so I guess i can cut myself a little slack.
I have never felt more hopeless before. The fact is i really think im gg to fail everything except hopefully art. At the rate im gg...im far from being prepared for the prelims. Wow. SO my goal is to get all Ds. Yeah and if i want to aim high...Cs. So...because what u hope to get usually falls short of what u actually get...im really quite dead.
Ok im gg to deviate from prelims for a while...i wuz juz thinking abt time. How beautiful it is. Haha...juz tt sitting down at the void deck and having milo for muggers made me think abt last year when i did not have the supposed "right" to partake of such welfare:p but now i have:) It's strange but all the traditions that exist make me feel older...i saw it from a junior's perspective but now i see from a senior's perspective...I mean, now i have the right to stay back and eat the dinner provided at school, i will see the baccaluereate service in a diff way, c honours nite in a diff way c i dunno...teacher's day in a diff way. Mayb it's cause...it's my last year so i get all sentimental.
Yeah, time is juz so incredible, it really changes the way one see's things. What eludes me is that some things still seem to stick to you no matter how long it has been. I thought it would be easy to forget with time...but it's harder than expected, and when i reflect and think back, im surprise at how intact and whole the memories are. I don't think i have gone completely numb at the thought of those times...the old feelings do seem to remind me of what and who im waiting for.
Of course there were many a times when i thought i had forgotten it all, when confusion sets in...or when i juz think it's silly anywayz. But it is. I don't think it is...but from a 3rd person perspective i really cannot comprehend nor give any rational explanation why i feel the way i feel.
Mama mia. Mama mia. I juz want to faint. you know when u get so tired u juz want to faint...and u wish u could so that u can take a break in the hospital. Sometimes in school while walking around i wish i could juz collapse so i can blackout and forget the worries for a while. Sometimes i get this morbid fantasies of getting knocked down by a moving vehicle....right. Ok sorry for freaking some people out but im so out of it today so u can see the irrational thinking and all.
Ah yes my humble abode beckons...actually my room with a desk crammed full of notes...yeah so yupz despite all the terribly negative thoughts...i have not given up hope yet:)
So let me quote from josie's msn nick as a reminder to us that we're not really so dead:Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus. Hebrews 12:1-2

Little Superhero Girl

2005-07-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

I juz finished my gp essay:D That's a relieve. Ok so all that's left is this mountain of revision to do:) Haha, but let's not dwell on THAT. I have more depressing issues to speak abt!! The Corrine-may concert at the esplanade is sold out!! Argh...i wuz too slow:( But i really really want to go and watch her. So if anybody has a ticket to spare i will gladly pay for it:) Please? Sigh I really can relate to her lyrics. They speak so much, almost all that i want to say. About love, about God, about life. Everything. Darn. I wish i could go and watch her sing live. Currently, 'Little Superhero Girl' is the song that is on repeat mode for me, i like the upbeat tune, despite my preferred taste for more melancholic songs:) Reflect on the rather interesting lyrics and let it assuage your need to break free from this intangible pain of stress.

L I T T L E S U P E R H E R O G I R L
written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 2003, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to turn
I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles
with lemonade
Play hide and seek
with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore and
Imagine how I'll make the world
a better place

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-
Yeah

If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool
I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark,
but don't bite

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-
Yeah

Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me
Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me from myself

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world